| This story is Based on a gross exaggeration | | | | running errands for her. But I had no choice. |
| of a hypothetical situation. Any similarities | | | | It was too late to go to another |
| to persons or events in your life is purely | | | | party.Searching for the kitchen, I realized |
| coincidental and rather pathetic.We met at a | | | | her apartment was a lot bigger than I had |
| party in an Upper East Side apartment. I was | | | | imagined. After circling through the dinette |
| eating cheese, she was eating crackers. I | | | | and study several times, I finally stopped to |
| offered her some of my cheese, she offered me | | | | ask for directions. The guy who gave me |
| some of her crackers, and pretty soon we were | | | | directions, said he worked for the phone |
| both eating cheese and crackers.I gave her | | | | company and had been trying to find his way |
| that stupid line "Do you come here often?" | | | | out of the apartment since he installed a |
| She said, "Yes, every day." Shocked, I asked, | | | | phone in the kitchen. I said, I didn't |
| "My god, is there a party here every day?" | | | | realize she had a new phone. He said, it |
| She said, "No, I live here."Feeling somewhat | | | | wasn't that new anymore -- he installed it |
| embarrassed that I was an uninvited guest, | | | | three weeks ago.When I finally returned to |
| although "uninvitees" at singles parties are | | | | the party room with two big bottles of Coke, |
| quite common, I said, "Your roommate invited | | | | all the guests had already left. She asked, |
| me." She said, "I live alone." That didn't | | | | "What took you so long?" I said, "I took the |
| make me feel any better.But when she offered | | | | long route." She asked, "Why?" I said, "I |
| me another cracker, I felt safe.As the party | | | | hate drilling through walls." She asked, |
| wore on, it became obvious that this was no | | | | "What am I going to do with two big bottles |
| ordinary girl. She greeted her guests with | | | | of Coke now?" I said, "Well, if it's a space |
| the warmth and enthusiasm usually seen only | | | | problem, I can take them home with |
| among married folks. For one terrifying | | | | me."Needless to say, the situation was |
| moment I thought perhaps this was not a | | | | serious. Here we were with two big bottles of |
| singles party, after all. But when I | | | | Coke and no guests to drink them. But, it's |
| overheard a small group of people discussing | | | | these kind of grave predicaments which set my |
| how they had just come from two other | | | | neurons, brain cells, and alpha waves into |
| parties, I knew I was at a singles gathering | | | | high gear. Promptly, as though requiring no |
| -- married folks don't go to three parties in | | | | thought whatsoever, I suggested, "Hey, why |
| one night. One couch is all they need.I | | | | don't we sit down and drink them up |
| noticed the hostess carrying in a large tray | | | | ourselves?" Her face lit up. But her grin |
| of hors d'oeuvres with some difficulty. I | | | | worried me.For the next hour and a half, I |
| rushed over and asked, "May I help?" She | | | | was "force-fed" two huge bottles of Coke. It |
| asked with a smile, "Eat or carry?" I | | | | was an unusual hour and a half, to say the |
| answered with a chuckle, "Very funny, you | | | | least. I drank, she talked. Between gulps I |
| don't expect me to carry that thing." We | | | | had enough time to say, "I understand."As I |
| smiled and we chuckled.After helping her | | | | swallowed the last few drops, dawn broke. |
| place the tray on a table, I struck up a | | | | With the rays of the morning sun filtering in |
| conversation. We found out we had a lot in | | | | through the shades, we exchanged phone |
| common. She was from San Diego, I was from | | | | numbers and I prepared to leave. She offered |
| Brooklyn -- but we both hated Des Moine. She | | | | to make breakfast. But after a "Coke |
| was a zoologist, I was a computer consultant | | | | transfusion," eggs hardly seemed appetizing. |
| -- but all her monkeys were trained to read | | | | So, not to offend her, I said, "I'd love to, |
| "hexadecimal dumps." She liked flying, I | | | | but I'm double parked."As we said good-by, we |
| liked water sports -- but we could have a | | | | both knew we would be seeing a lot more of |
| great time in a life raft filled with helium. | | | | each other in coming months. And so we did. |
| She liked classical music, I liked punk rock | | | | We had a long and meaningful relationship. |
| -- but we could dye our hair green and listen | | | | Actually, it was long. I'm not sure what it |
| to the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She liked | | | | meant. But I learned a lesson from all this: |
| long, lavish, gourmet meals - I liked | | | | Coke can keep you awake all night.Josh |
| breakfast in bed, lunch in bed, and supper in | | | | Greenberger: A computer consultant for over |
| bed -- but, if we got married, we could have | | | | two decades, the author has developed |
| a bed in the dining room and be together all | | | | software for such organizations as NASA's |
| day. I just can't begin to tell you how much | | | | Goddard Institute of Space Studies, AT&T, |
| we had in common.As we spoke, I complimented | | | | Charles Schwab, Bell Laboratories and Chase |
| her on her rug. She said she didn't have a | | | | Manhattan Bank. Since 1984, the author's |
| rug -- I was standing on her cat. I felt | | | | literary works have appeared in such |
| really stupid. Her cat felt a lot worse.She | | | | periodicals as The New York Post, The Daily |
| asked if I could run into the kitchen and see | | | | News, The Village Voice, The Jewish Press, |
| if there was anymore soda in the fridge. I | | | | and others. His articles have ranged from |
| was afraid this would happen. I knew if I | | | | humor to scientific to topical events. Visit |
| helped her with that tray, I might soon be | | | | his site: shopndrop. |