| My big brother, Tom, has challenges beyond my | | | | date with you can be critically important to |
| understanding. He struggles with | | | | the person. |
| schizoaffective disorder. Although I've never | | | | |
| looked up his "diagnosis" in the official | | | | 2. Try to let go of all wishes and desires |
| record of mental illnesses, the DSM, I know | | | | for certain behaviors for the person. Simply |
| he has problems. I know this by his fixations | | | | meet them where they are and "be" with them |
| on seemingly benign things that happened 20 | | | | instead of "doing" anything that you feel |
| years ago. Or the threats he might make from | | | | might "help" them or "heal" them. Now there |
| time to time to family members who love him. | | | | are exceptions to this. One might be if you |
| | | | are trying to encourage better dress habits. |
| Tom goes through cycles, ups and downs, which | | | | Tom, for example hates wearing socks and |
| is typical for people suffering some types of | | | | underwear. If he is coming somewhere with me |
| mental dis-ease like schizoaffective or bi | | | | I make it a requriement that he at least put |
| polar disorder. Despite his struggles, my | | | | socks on! |
| parents have always required Tom to work and | | | | |
| forge ahead as best he can. I lost track of | | | | 3. Always check with the person before giving |
| the jobs he's had, mainly because there have | | | | them something that you think they might |
| been so many! Over the years my siblings and | | | | want. I have found that many times we "think" |
| I have taken on various roles in his life. | | | | the person would like something when in fact |
| Most of us have simply drifted away from him | | | | they don't. Don't be offended or try to |
| ignoring his desire to spend time with each | | | | encourage it, simply let it go and honor the |
| of us. My hunch is that many "affected | | | | answer you are given. |
| others" ignore and stay away because they | | | | |
| don't understand the illness or they feel | | | | 4. Have a solid set of boundaries for dealing |
| compelled to "do" something to make "it" | | | | with the person. If you are not able to give |
| better. It can be very challenging and | | | | something, tell them. Don't treat them |
| frustrating for the caregiver/ or affected | | | | differently from how you might treat someone |
| other to interact with the person without | | | | else. It takes too much energy and, quite |
| feeling overwhelmed. | | | | frankly, it's unnecessary. Treating all |
| | | | people with respect and honesty is generally |
| There are ways to stay connected to or | | | | a good policy. |
| participate in the life of someone struggling | | | | |
| with mental dis-ease. My top 5 list includes: | | | | 5. Send the person a card or make a quick |
| | | | phone call just to say "HI, I was thinking |
| 1. Make a list of things you can offer the | | | | about you...". Nothing more, nothing less. |
| person. Maybe you enjoy the movies and will | | | | Just a small but significant thing. |
| commit to taking him/her every 2 months or | | | | |
| so. My commitment to Tom is to have him come | | | | In the end, all relationships with people |
| stay with me for 4 days every 2 months. The | | | | struggling with mental dis-ease can be a |
| important thing here is consistency and | | | | challenge. But caring for yourself and taking |
| follow through. Try not to take on more than | | | | appropriate steps to protect your life will, |
| you can reasonably do. Remember, for someone | | | | in the end, help you to keep on giving. |
| who might have a small social circle, this | | | | |