| My big brother, Tom, has challenges beyond my | | | | consistency and follow through. Try not to take on |
| understanding. He struggles with schizoaffective | | | | more than you can reasonably do. Remember, for |
| disorder. Although I've never looked up his "diagnosis" in | | | | someone who might have a small social circle, this |
| the official record of mental illnesses, the DSM, I know | | | | date with you can be critically important to the person. |
| he has problems. I know this by his fixations on | | | | 2. Try to let go of all wishes and desires for certain |
| seemingly benign things that happened 20 years ago. | | | | behaviors for the person. Simply meet them where |
| Or the threats he might make from time to time to | | | | they are and "be" with them instead of "doing" anything |
| family members who love him. | | | | that you feel might "help" them or "heal" them. Now |
| Tom goes through cycles, ups and downs, which is | | | | there are exceptions to this. One might be if you are |
| typical for people suffering some types of mental | | | | trying to encourage better dress habits. Tom, for |
| dis-ease like schizoaffective or bi polar disorder. | | | | example hates wearing socks and underwear. If he is |
| Despite his struggles, my parents have always | | | | coming somewhere with me I make it a requriement |
| required Tom to work and forge ahead as best he | | | | that he at least put socks on! |
| can. I lost track of the jobs he's had, mainly because | | | | 3. Always check with the person before giving them |
| there have been so many! Over the years my siblings | | | | something that you think they might want. I have found |
| and I have taken on various roles in his life. Most of us | | | | that many times we "think" the person would like |
| have simply drifted away from him ignoring his desire | | | | something when in fact they don't. Don't be offended |
| to spend time with each of us. My hunch is that many | | | | or try to encourage it, simply let it go and honor the |
| "affected others" ignore and stay away because they | | | | answer you are given. |
| don't understand the illness or they feel compelled to | | | | 4. Have a solid set of boundaries for dealing with the |
| "do" something to make "it" better. It can be very | | | | person. If you are not able to give something, tell them. |
| challenging and frustrating for the caregiver/ or | | | | Don't treat them differently from how you might treat |
| affected other to interact with the person without | | | | someone else. It takes too much energy and, quite |
| feeling overwhelmed. | | | | frankly, it's unnecessary. Treating all people with |
| There are ways to stay connected to or participate in | | | | respect and honesty is generally a good policy. |
| the life of someone struggling with mental dis-ease. My | | | | 5. Send the person a card or make a quick phone call |
| top 5 list includes: | | | | just to say "HI, I was thinking about you...". Nothing more, |
| 1. Make a list of things you can offer the person. | | | | nothing less. Just a small but significant thing. |
| Maybe you enjoy the movies and will commit to taking | | | | In the end, all relationships with people struggling with |
| him/her every 2 months or so. My commitment to | | | | mental dis-ease can be a challenge. But caring for |
| Tom is to have him come stay with me for 4 days | | | | yourself and taking appropriate steps to protect your |
| every 2 months. The important thing here is | | | | life will, in the end, help you to keep on giving. |